New EVERY Morning

Lamentations 3:22-23 (NIV)

²² Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed,
    for his compassions never fail.
²³ They are new every morning;
    great is your faithfulness. 

I am not capable of answering most questions like "how are you doing" and "is everything okay" entirely truthfully to almost anyone but my Mom & Bryan. "I'm doing great. Healing nicely, trying to get enough sleep, loving on my baby." --- all of this is true, but it's not the whole picture.

I find myself wanting to yell, "no I'm not okay!!!" And other than when I was 42 weeks pregnant, this is really the first time I feel like I'm really crying out for some help from any direction. 

Although Clara Beth is doing really well, and she's not a fussy baby (except in the evenings and first thing in the morning), I personally am struggling. I've been sad and disappointed that because of the unexpected c-section my midwives have handed my care over to an OB I'd never met before, and haven't checked on me since.  I have never in my life seen a male gynecologist and would have never picked one, yet I find myself forced into his care (not that he's a bad guy or anything) because he was the one available when I transferred to the hospital. I feel like the outcast because my body refused to cooperate. Not once have any of my practitioners checked on how I'm doing emotionally, and how I'm feeling physically doesn't seem to be overly important either. My incision has healed perfectly, but I'm still very sore from the extra cuts and stretching they had to do because of the way my child was stuck. I've also been experiencing the worst headaches of my life as a side effect of the last minute epidural. This on top of not enough sleep is a little challenging.

This is really important to me. Because when I'm home alone with my child I want to feel like I have things together enough to care for her properly. At least once a day I've had to put her down so I can cry too. I'm not depressed, but I'm not feeling 100% and that makes me feel like a horrible mommy. 

My Mom has been a HUGE help, but she can't be here all the time, and I don't want her to need to be. I want to be capable of doing this like every other new mommy!

I have been leaning on on the verse above, and felt so blessed at church yesteray (CB's baptism!) when it was actually in the Old Testament reading. The sermon series our pastors have been doing is on Discouraged Individuals ... and I'm feeling discouraged. 

Thank the Lord that every single morning His mercies are new, and He will get me through the day. I'm asking for prayer to increase my faith, my pain tolerance, and my patience with myself. I love this little girl, and I although I know He's given me enough strength to handle all of this, I sometimes need help believing it!