Our Emotional Ride

I know I've been absent for a few weeks, but that's because our life has felt a little turned upside down, and then put on an emotional roller coaster ride. So even though blog-worthy things have happened, it's all faded into the background compared to the fact a few weeks ago,
Bryan & I found out we are pregnant.
(That's a story for another day - a very sweet, precious, and fun story :)

Since then:
- I've been incredibly nauseous, exhausted all the time, and full of JOY because those things meant we had a baby growing and developing
- I've battled neck pain, a sinus infection and allergies without medicine
- I've continued working with a personal trainer and (attempting) to eat a balanced diet
- We've both been daydreaming like crazy about nurseries, names, teaching our kiddo how to read, and thinking about how smart/athletic/musical they will be :)

As well as:
- Had our first ultrasound last Wednesday (earlier than usual due to severe cramping, which is sometimes a sign that something is wrong)
- Had an U/S tech tell us that our pregnancy was no longer viable and that there really wasn't much of a point meeting with our midwife as planned. She also told me to stop crying and we should just "move on and live our lives."
- Felt absolute devastation and loss

On Thursday:
- Still feeling shock, we researched causes, options, and more information than what our lousy and insensitive U/S tech gave us
- Found out that no matter what the U/S showed (especially at this early date), there should have been additional blood work done to check levels of progesterone and HcG levels to compare to the levels I had tested at a week prior.
- Because of my bizarre and irregular cycles, we don't have a definitive due date yet, and therefore NO assumptions should have been made about how far along I am, which means there may not have been a heartbeat clear enough to been seen on an U/S (and this one was ancient anyway) and that it's possible our little tater tot is just still pretty small/young, and that this doesn't necessarily show that it's not progressing, but that it just hasn't had TIME to get to the size they were thinking it should be at based on the date of my last cycle.
- Therefore, I set up an appointment and met with my midwife to have the blood work done
- Spent the day with Mom trying to NOT continue to panic and break into tears every 10 minutes

On Friday:
- Opted to not spend the day at work, distracted and randomly crying while waiting for blood results
- Spent many AGONIZING hours waiting for my midwife to call and give us numbers
- Finally received a call, and:

We are thankful that (as of now) we are still going to be parents in May/June!

We are seeking comfort in the Lord, and knowing that he counts every hair on our head, and therefore knows every single cell in our baby's growing body, and knows when things are perfect and when our baby may have complications so severe that their life would be impossible or quality of life negligible. He knows that we long to parent this sweet life, but we are also trying to recognize that in His infinite wisdom, He knows best.

Please pray for miracles, for emotional balance, and for our baby. This has felt like a very rocky road so far, and we've only had our baby for a few short weeks. This won't be the first or the last time we feel sorrow, joy, and so many more emotions regarding this little person.

Most people do not share about their pregnancies before the end of the 1st trimester, and so far (other than immediate family, one co-worker, and a friend) no one really knows about ours. I thought how silly is it that the ONE thing on my mind all the time - how is baby doing!? - I felt like I couldn't write about on a blog meant for me to share what's going on with me personally. It will be heart breaking if we find out that we miscarry, but if that happens, I would *need* to share about it, the same way I feel a *need* to share about what's going on with us right now.

We are not necessarily asking folks to refrain from sharing with others, but given how emotional it has been, I don't want to find myself in a position of needing to "untell" too many people should the Lord chose to have us wait for another tiny miracle. Please be sensitive about who you would share with if you chose to, knowing their likelihood of asking a lot of questions that could be painful for us later. I will keep everyone posted!

Many prayers in the works for little Baby Evans!