Baby January

We found out we were pregnant very unexpectedly a few weeks ago. I panicked, cried, and thought, "how will I manage two such little babies!?"

I snuggled Clara, and then as she threw cheerios all over the floor, the dryer buzzed, and the dog vomited on the rug, I cried some more. And I started praying - fervently, "How, God? How?"

I heard, "Be still."

..."but..."

"Be still."

All day long I was told to be still, until Bryan got home from work. By then I felt such peace about this baby on the way. Bryan and I prayed together, and decided we would make the conscious choice to be joyful and excited, rather than focus on the unexpected curve ball this was. We made a list of every single thing we could think of that was a positive, a blessing, a benefit to expecting another baby to join our household while our oldest would only be 19 months.

After making peace, we settled into the challenges of the 1st trimester - nausea, morning sickness (which, strangely, this time only hit in the afternoons or when I got into a car), and extreme fatigue. My prayer group, play group and family were aware of the pregnancy from the beginning. I knew there was no way I was going to make it through this time without a lot of support, encouragement and prayers. I figured I would inform my friends as I saw them. In my mind, if I miscarried, I wanted people to know - I would need their love. And, possibly, need their help with Clara.

Friday I started experiencing some severe cramping, and spotting. I was unsettled, but chose to believe it would stop and was just a quirk of my body settling and adjusting. The cramping and spotting had stopped by the next morning, phew.

Then up again it started Saturday afternoon. By Sunday I knew something was definitely wrong. It wasn't that anything had particularly changed - but I knew intermittent cramping, pain and blood could not be good for our very small growing baby.

My prayer warriors have rallied. We have cried, prayed and hoped.

Today I found out that I am miscarrying this sweet child.



Darling Baby January, we have already planned out exactly how you were going to work into our family. We discussed baby names, car seat arrangements, how it would work with Clara being on a different schedule, and on and on. I want you to know you were WANTED, despite being unexpected. That we consider you a JOY, a Heavenly gift, and I know that you make a beautiful angel.

I believe you were the angel God sent to get me on my knees, learning to truly "be still."
This has been a very difficult lesson for me to learn.

I love you. Your Daddy loves you.
We miss you already, but I am so glad that Jesus can hold you since we can't.