Every now and then I get to feeling a little ... less like myself ... and little more like a very sarcastic and frustrated person. I doubt it's a coincidence that timing of my current snarky self follows three ENTIRE nights of false labor, 24/7 heartburn, miserable sinus pressure, sciatica and upper back/neck pain. I've managed maybe an hour to two of sleep a night recently, and it's not doing much for my generally chipper attitude :/
This got me thinking about all of the comments that are regularly made to me that I would normally ignore or at most side-eye, but recently leaves me ready to attack or at the very least respond with an equally inappropriate or rude response.
If you feel inclined to say one of these things to me today, even if I manage to respond politely, you'll now know what I'm really thinking :)
(1) "Have you had the baby yet!?" -or- "You're *still* pregnant?!"
Yes! I gave birth 3 weeks ago, but we didn't want anyone to know so we've hidden the baby in the attic and I've strapped a watermelon inside my shirt. But I guess now you're in on the secret.
(2) "Are you dilated? Effaced? Ripened?" -or- "Have you lost your mucus plug yet?"
Remember all those other times I've discussed my private parts with you? Exactly.
(3) "When is the baby coming?"
Hang on, and let me ask.
(4) "I'm so impatient!!"
Really? You're 9 months pregnant, experiencing contractions for DAYS, exhausted, feeling miserable, and ready to put your body through a rather intense workout so that you can meet this little person? No? Oh. It must be hard going through your normal day, feeling fine and just wondering when you may get a message that a baby has been born. Sounds rather stressful.
(5) "Sleep while you still have the chance! Just wait."
I can't even think of a response to this because it just makes me so mad.
(6) "Don't be so impatient. Babies are easier when they're on the inside than outside."
Why is it that I've only heard this comment from MEN? or a handful of women with very easy pregnancies? Hmm. Sir, I bet it was a lot harder for you after the baby was born than while your wife was dealing with everything by herself. Too bad you can't put it back, huh?
(7) "You don't get a cervical check every week!? you should get a doctor that knows what they're doing" -or- "They aren't going to induce you until you're past 42 weeks?! how did you get such a cruel midwife?" -or- "They haven't swept your membranes yet!? what are they waiting for?"
Sounds like I really messed up picking prenatal care that I chose on purpose because I don't agree with all of these things. Gosh, I hope I do better next time.
(8) "Med-free? Yeah, good luck with that."
Oh no! You don't think I can do it? I better get the pitocin/epidural after all!
(9) "Want to hear my whole pregnancy/labor/delivery story for the next 2 hours? No? Okay, I'll tell you."
That's exactly what I wanted to hear while pregnant and getting close to labor, thanks. Especially the part about your horrible tear/the emergency c-section/the trip to the NICU because your baby stopped breathing or had some other scary problem, or the fact that it took 6 weeks for you to feel better.
(10) "Have you guys had sex? I hear that helps."
I've talked to you about my sex life before? No? I guess now is a good time to start.
(11) "Have you tried castor oil? spicy food? eating 4 large pineapples?"
Nope. Not a single person has ever mentioned any of these suggestions to me. How have I not heard of all these great ideas that end in diarrhea? What am I waiting for?
(12) "Have your boobs leaked yet? No? You won't make milk and won't be able to breastfeed. They have already? You're going to become engorged and not be able to breastfeed."
Good to know.
(13) "How are your bowel movements?"
Shoot, I should have taken a picture last time to show you.
(14) "You should really wait until *this date*, that's my birthday ... or my mom's birthday, or my second cousin twice removed's birthday."
I will try to accommodate you, especially as you are more than likely a complete a stranger.
(15) "How much weight have you gained?"
I was hoping you'd ask! It's your business too now that I'm pregnant. Don't forget to ask what size bra I wear now too.
Well, I feel better now. Even just saying these things to my blog :) Going to start channeling politically correct and polite Katy again ....
i like this post! expect i think i've asked more than 5 of these questions, i think. oopppss!
ReplyDeletei predict that she is going to make her debut when she's good and ready.
;-)
xoxo,
auntie leah
Maybe it's my sarcastic side, but I like this blog post! You covered every topic that's bothersome at the end of a pregnancy. I'm glad you stand firm in your belief of a natural birth. People forget that our bodies know what to do. Not that you're asking, but natural birth hurt less than giving birth with pitocin and an epidural. I had no interference and I loved it. I could walk around right after giving birth, I had energy, I felt like super woman and all my wonderful, natural oxytocin kicked in! And you will be fine with breast feeding. I've never heard what people are telling you with the leakage stuff, but boobs are made for milk and they will indeed produce what your baby girl needs. Last thing I have to add is my least favorite comment (from second pregnancy), "you don't even look pregnant!" The woman said that until I had Colton and it was very hard not to snap at her! Did I really look 40 Weeks pregnant all the time?
ReplyDeleteFeel better,
Mandy
I LOVE this post--thank you so much! You had me laughing out loud in my computer room. I think you should be gut-level honest when people ask you questions like that. If they're asking those questions, give them your answer :)
ReplyDeleteI just had to come back & re-read this post today...numbers 1, 3, and 4 have been killing me this week!! The next person who says any of those might be getting a response similar to the ones you gave here...
ReplyDelete