A response to my mothering

A few days ago a fellow mom posted some really ugly things about me on her blog. At first I was upset. Being a parent is the single most challenging thing I've ever done, and the frequent uncertainty can be unnerving as it is (Do I take my child to the doctor for this? Do I enroll her in structured activities? Do I let her cry it out or rock her to sleep? Do I start to wean or keep nursing? Do I allow her to only eat crackers for 3 days straight or insist she eat veggies even if she refuses to eat? etc. etc. etc.)

And then to read paragraph after paragraph of all the things I do wrong in this mom's eyes was brutal.
She believes that I have no control over my child, and that I have little concern about her health or well-being.

I had to ask myself, "is this mom right? am I raising a hooligan with no thought to her future? will she be a criminal that refuses to wear shoes? will she go to a fancy restaurant when her future spouse proposes and decide to crawl on the floor? will she always be a mess!?"

But one thing struck me as I re-read her rather hateful post, and I thought over what she was saying.

Ultimately she believed I was giving my child a poor example to imitate.
Well, I thought, maybe so. But then again, maybe not.

Here is what Clara might be observing from my parenting:

1. A mom who allows blocks to hang out in the corner, books spread over the rug, a dog bone by the fireplace, and tupperware everywhere.

2. A mom who isn't the best cook and believes that frozen pizza, chicken & veggies, and grilled cheese with tomato soup are totally acceptable meals to have more than once a week.

3. A mom who likes to be on the go, running errands, volunteering, seeing friends and family, even when we are a little bit tired or feeling sad.

4. A mom who goes out into public dressed in a t-shirt and shorts, with her hair in a bun and no make-up on.

5. A mom who allows her child to walk in a public place without shoes. Who lets her child eat dog food and dirt. Who thinks it's okay to have a child not feel 100%, but still do something fun to help get her mind off of it.

6. A mom who lets her child jump off the couch, walk into a door, climb up on a chair, or crawl through the doggy door.

7. A mom who lets people see when she is sad, happy, angry or excited rather than hide it.

That is a list of bad parenting decisions, right?

BUT here is what I hope she takes away and IMITATES as she learns and grows watching me and my messy parenting:

1. A mom who prioritizes play over being tidy. Motor skills and early childhood literacy!

2. A mom who believes that no matter what dinner is, the chance to sit down, pray and eat together every night is what is important.

3. A mom who believes that humans are built for companionship. I believe that putting friends and family (and even strangers!) as a priority above our comfort is very important.

4. A mom who believes that making it to library story time or a playdate with friends is more important than fixing my hair. Who believes that my child will love me and appreciate me regardless of hair put in a ponytail, or forgotten mascara, or chipped nail polish.

5. A mom who believes that a non-walking child does not need shoes. And shoot, sometimes even a walking child doesn't need them! (or maybe they do, and it's just a battle I'm not always willing to fight.) Who believes germs build good immune systems. Who believes that once her child tries a little dirt or kibble will decide it's pretty yucky and probably won't go back for more. At least not often :)

6. A mom who believes children are designed to explore the world and learn from doing. A mom who would rather her child fall off the couch once when Mommy is there to kiss it better, than wait until she's at pre-school and diving off the monkey bars headfirst because there isn't a mommy there to caution her. A mom who believes that if kids are given the chance, they will begin to learn to make intelligent decisions by themselves.

7. A mom who believes emotions are natural - it's how we express those emotions that says something about us. A mom who thinks it's okay to be angry that you're not allowed to put your fingers in the blender, but that you will have to get over it and find something else to play with. A mom who is allowed to be upset that a former friend said ugly things about her, and crying is ok, but replying with nasty words is not.

Am I a perfect mom? I'm so far from perfect it's laughable sometimes. 

I am a mom who believes that trying to convince herself, her children and the rest of the world that they are perfect is a huge disservice to everyone. A mom who believes we should embrace our strengths, try to hone our weaknesses, and celebrate that we are all unique.

Is Clara a perfect child? Definitely not.
She is full of life, strong-willed, intelligent, curious, social, with an inclination to laugh and cry hard.
Is it my job to convince her and everyone else that everything she does it perfect? Definitely not.
I'm okay with less than perfect. I want her to be Godly, healthy, polite, and curious.
I also want her to be realistic. I want her to celebrate her strengths, accept her shortcomings, and work hard on both.

I want her to know that words can wound someone deeply. That they can't be unsaid.
I want her to know that there are people who will need her to reach out to them, even if she feels shy or uncomfortable.
I want her to know how to pray with people when they need it.
I want her to be comfortable accepting constructive criticism, and to know how to offer it when the time is right.
I want her to see that while the world is messy (and so is our house!) that doesn't mean we can't keep trying to make it better and better.

I do so many things wrong while I parent. But I think I do some things right. And that's what I'm going to focus on and celebrate for now.